Making
The Move Easy On The Kids
Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and
fun for adults, and it can be especially troubling
for children. But if parents deal with their childrenís
concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress
and discomfort can be avoided.
Children see moves differently than their parents
do, and they benefit much less from the change in
their comfortable routines ñ or so it seems
at the time. Most often, a change in houses or communities
heralds an important step forward for the adult members
of the family. The family moves because Daddy or Mommy
has a great new job, or a promotion in reward for
years of hard work. They move because financial success
has allowed the purchase of a bigger and nicer house
in a more costly neighborhood.
They move because they can finally afford private
bedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the
back yard. Nowadays, mobile and hard-striving people
typically live in a house for about five years and
then move on as their careers or fortunes allow. That
short time span is only a small percentage of the
life-to-date for a 30- or 40-year-old, but the same
five years is half the lifetime of an 10-year-old,
and it includes almost all the years he or she can
remember. To a parent, this house may only be the
place they have lived recently. They think of it as
a way station on the road of life. To kids, however,
it may be the only home they have ever really known.
This is their house, the place they feel safe and
comfortable.
A house is much more than a roof and walls to a child.
It is the center of his or her world. A move threatens
to take that sphere away and leave something totally
strange in its place. The familiar friends, schools,
shops and theaters, the streets, trees and parks ñ
all will no longer exist for them. Everything will
soon be strange, and they will live in someone elseís
world.
The impact of a move on a typical child starts about
the time he or she first hears that a parent has accepted
a promotion, and often continues for about a year,
until the new house becomes home, and memories of
the previous place fade. Itís not usually necessary
to announce this big change to children immediately,
although they must hear about it from you before someone
else breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves
as adult members of the family, and will probably
feel they have been left out if they donít
hear everything from the first day.But it is probably
not a good idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers
until they have to know. There is no point in making
them worry far in advance.
Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive
way. You might say how proud you are that Daddyís
company has chosen him out of many other employees
to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what
a beautiful city Cleveland is, how good the schools
are and how nice the people are. Tell truthful but
very positive stories about how nice the new house
will be. Ask them what the favorite things are in
their lives now, and then try to make them happen
in the new home. If the new home is too far away to
allow a visit by the entire family after it has been
selected, show the children pictures of it from every
angle. Videotape it, if you can.
Emphasize the positive views and be sure to include
pictures of each childís new room. Try to name
the house with some romantic description, like ìOak
Hillî for the big trees and the sloping lawn.
Sugarcoating will help, but since children can quickly
see the negative sides of most situations, every parent
must plan to deal with their childís worries,
fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends
they may have known all their lives. They will leave
behind their sports teams, their clubs and their dancing
teachers. They will have to start over in a new place,
making friends, becoming accepted, and fitting into
different groups.
Younger children need protection from fear of the
unknown. Listen carefully to their concerns, and respond
quickly to allay their apprehensions. It would be
normal, for instance, for a young child to worry that
his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might
be left behind. Find those anxieties and correct them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively
involved in the whole process. Don't just promise
to let them decorate their own rooms, for example.
Take them to the paint store and let them bring home
color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and
carpets. They must leave old friends behind, so find
ways to make that parting almost pleasant. Plan a
going-away party and let them invite their own guests.
Take pictures of everyone and make a photo album.
If a child is old enough, send him or her out with
a roll of film in the camera and the assignment to
photograph the views they will want to remember.
Some relationships will be extremely difficult to
break and these will demand careful, thoughtful, personalized
planning by both parents. How, for instance, do you
move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady boyfriend?
Expect that your children may be even more distressed
after the move than they were before it. The new house
will not be beautiful the night after the moving van
leaves, or for months after. The furniture wonít
fit the rooms. The curtains wonít be up, and
the floor will be covered with half-unpacked cartons.
The children wonít know anyone at school and,
if you move during the summer, they may have little
opportunity to meet anyone their age. You may be faced
with many more problems in your new community than
they will, but remember that you can handle them more
easily than they can. They will need your help, and
you should plan to give them the support they need.
After the move, give each of them a long distance
telephone call allowance so they can keep in touch
with the people back home who matter the most to them.
Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive
views of your new community, and encourage them to
write good news messages to the friends and relatives
they left behind. To make new friends, make sure the
children donít vegetate in front of the television.
Get them outside, where neighbors pass by. Have them
pass out fliers to do babysitting or car washing.
Encourage them to participate in as many school activities
as they can handle. Get them on sports teams and into
clubs. If they and you aren't making new friends fast
enough, throw a housewarming party for yourselves
and invite all the adults and children on the block.
If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise,
however, help is usually available and probably should
be sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider professional
counseling. Donít let a serious problem slide.
Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends
will become old friends and best friends. This new
house may become the family homestead your grandchildren
will visit every holiday season. There will be discomforts,
but in the long run, everything will work out fine.
